Forgotten

So I guess we are bygones of closed pages, laces with fabric freeing away, floating into the air and soon by… swiped from under and far. It’s hard to feel unwanted and rejected, inferior to those you love, your eyes can only speak with tension and your lips tremor with pain.  You breathe deeply trying to calm your hurting self. You never thought you would be the past of the daily present, a dusty door soon to be buried and forgotten.

It’s even more painful to think of why and analyze your way through the process wondering how this happened.  It’s funny because you’re the only one hurting, your criminal has moved on, laughing his way down to new beginnings.  In the split of that second you wonder if there is a god. You wonder why it was you who was left behind. Life is cruel, but only with experience will you understand cruelty.  You want to jump out of your skin and into the life of another, hoping the grass is greener, if only just a bit.

Beethovens Love Story

Love is a losing game. Love is pain.

Hostage

The quantum’s of my effection are hostaged by thr pains of my past I have not yet passed by

lingering across the bay of my lungs as they exhail to breath

subsiding down the winds that breeze over my feeings chilling them to freeze

it is not powerful enough to move yet wrm enough to float in circling motion

no so that they are trapped but close enough for comfort to fear.

BookMark

It would be nice if life was like a logarithmic equation, with every turn of thought you find a way to find an answer and in that you will never get lost because everything will eventually equal. Finding the answers it always hard, but whats more harder is knowing which answer is the right one.

Finding the answers seem to dase my thoughts, pulling my into cracks beneath the floors, into the deep end of things.  The common understanding of right and wrong no longer crunch my quest for the rightness I long to understand and therefore introduse into my life I have been living. What you think of your experience will not come into hand to heal your step into the next chapter, slower reading, the words are more complicated so slowly pronouncing is needed to find your way down the story line. Is seems I’ve bookmarked too many articles for my learning I have missed what has infront of me not yet recognizable but visibly see. the lettering is perfect, but the spelling is off. The spacing is cramped and space is all I need to be able to

Just another day

Just another day came to morning, and the night fell into circle. It is a slow wind flying away of the bricks lay across the dirt. It’s quite and I shall stare until I pierce the truth. My hairs are tangled, some dead and some cursed. There is no time for care. I sway my head left and right, feeling the confusion of empty seconds. I can hear the breathes of me, the long line ticking forth not waiting for my command to start again. I am in a state of nothing, stuck in a warp of vapor. Like a robot, I have become fixed. I defaulted into the fill and line.

I remove the load of heavy carbon, release back into nothing and the pattern continues. My human emotion is held, a hostage of the nothing. I wipe my forehead, and rub thinking I will wake from the nothing and realise I am here in this moment of now and I am happy. But it was not the case, I felt nothing. My eyes are bold, yet blank, staring into the wall, waiting for it to crash down on me, break the cycle. I look up and down, the same image comes before me, an earth green living the atoms of it’s line. And there again, I realeased again, an ion. The lights are dimming, communicating a flickr of thought. A thought dying down, struggling to breathe, suffocating, paining, dead. The room is a space of nothing, holding me, I am captured by nothing. I don’t speak, I don’t make a sound, I look, and with that I kill.

trapped

Trapped in the chambers of the who loves not to let go of the lost. Taken by the area of gods will to never come back. The thrown s have emptied and there is no life to live. The light’s have died down where there is no hope of coping with the present. A preempted question of mystery and enigma. No more do I tear; drop the pain of yester; near me was the death of my loved one.

I cannot live the day to the day and the night of night with out escaping to the pressure of finding the callings of my truths hidden by secrets, hung above me, in the skies and even the tree’s. You sometimes see the sway of the joking breeze hiting the hiding place of that secret. My eye’s smile, but not my expression. Keeping a tight lid on strebgth. A grim circle is sprinting in mind.

air

So it has dawnded on to me, life aint what it was cut out for me to be
nothing glamorious, just growin older,
too much pain over my shoulder
the days are lonley and the nights are colder.
I dream about my happy days I yern for them, I’m a figter, a trained soilder.

To keep the moral up, I have to be positive, happy and strong
I’m not sure about it, I look at my watch, I dont know how much I can’t this any long
It’s just easy to do whats right, but never easy to do right for whats wrong
I once heard this song, it made me cry…I wanted to spread my wings and fly
I wanted to go to a better place, maybe heaven, maybe near it…I’ll seatlle for anything
what ever god can bring, I can take it, I can stand the wind

My perfect 5 years later

Asked by a friend about “what my perfect day” would be like 5 years from now got me thinking. With first thought, the answer seems very simple. You can list everything you wish to go and cram it into you day, and call it a dream. No me, I thought about my perfect day. The more I thought the more confused I was.

It seems in life, there are two fractions in which we every so often have a hard time differentiating. For one, there is the thought of fantasy and hopeful bliss we sink into, smiling blatantly as we cultivate our 5 years later. Personally, I was wondering if my goals are being blurred by my fantasies of the “dream”, therefore creating a tug of war roaring amid reality and fiction. It has; in-fact brought me to doubt if my set goals, expectations and plans are just vivid dreams molded by an idealistic surrounding. I wonder if my “dreams” are those of true meaning, or just optimistic philosophy, taking me towards a long path ending with self destruction. I had created a list in my head for what I assume I want. Not sure if my assumptions are those of true meaning. A loving husband, a successful career and maybe a baby where on my top 5 list. But, when I came to my detailed account, I found it difficult to in fact mine into what I want in life. I think our surroundings of culture feed into out minds and somehow capture an image and create a dream we never thought. A happy family is a lie. We are all unhappy families living in hiding of our reality. There are always those who are hiding behind a secret, ashamed of the public. Underneath the ruble and broken hearts are clones of the same realities with different content and text. You are never alone. A fake commercial is never better than your real life. Life’s up’s and down’s are what make it bittersweet, it’s what makes us laugh and cry. Never turn your back on life, never.

As we pass through life, there is always someone out there who feels alone, ashamed, and broken. In contrast, there is another person out in the world, somewhere, someone out there praying and thinking of that other person. Do you understand? In this strange world, even when we are alone, we are together. The feelings we have sometimes consume us with overwhelming pain that overshadows the rational truth of who we are. I have had that moment. I rose above it with years of deep thought into the meaning of life, struggle love and pain. It’s never easy, because easy comes after hard. There is this deafening feeling of a sunken ship in your soul, you feel it take you down, you don’t have the strength to stand up. Did you ever feel that? It’s what we all go through in this so called life. I wish I never had that feeling. There is a side of me that thinks…I wish I was happy, I wish I was content. Then, I would comprehend my feelings, my right side would speak…I would never learn and never achieve, never grow and never feel… I would always be on a one level high. Through the journeys I’ve took I learned how to take in the pain and then release it. For a long time I felt like a wounded solider that will never come again to glory. Glory, I would learn in of inner self, not a medal badge. The Power to smile, to keep one foot in front of the other in what my perfect 5 years later would be like.

Life Laundry.

Life is complicated, painful and testy; looking around it’s just full of distortion

I wanted to kill the baby, I wished she had an abortion

This episode of life is full of commotion, this is just a notion I want to move away far from all the

Motion

Happiness to me seeming to only be a notion

Still and peaceful

I feel busted and unwanted, weak, lonely and broken hearted

My life is messed up, everyone acts so retarded

I want to have it all, shove it up your ass and show you how lucky I am a rewarded

Killing for no reason, shooting up for treason, this is the cold season

It’s 20 below freezing, my heart is busted up and bleeding, there’s so much I’m going to be needing, I’ll send you a great pink lovely greeting

I will never let you hurt my mother of let her be weeping, no one around me be creeping

My revenge will destroy your life all around you leaping

Reaping and heaping

This the beginning you ugly short fucked up beeping

I don’t understand why people lie, sell their loyalty and stab you right in the back

Hearts are cold, eye’s are blind, bodies full of crack

Do you got my back? Or should I stuff you in a sack, watch you suffocate and hack

The world is majestic and black, cold, hard, merciless hurry run down the track

I got nothing to pack

My pride is strong, I never did anything wrong

The journey of discovery is really long

Everything I ever wanted, everything I loved, cherished is all gone

Feminine

Part one:

Female Struggle

Into the deep of my feminine equality as I rise to speak where I am not heard

Lower of the levels of life I struggle to gain the strength of a stallion word

The defense of my being utters fly away with a lost bird

Nothing will change until I make it my evolving strength

Opportunity is the sign of life that god has noticed my existence in this struggle of life.