BookMark

It would be nice if life was like a logarithmic equation, with every turn of thought you find a way to find an answer and in that you will never get lost because everything will eventually equal. Finding the answers it always hard, but whats more harder is knowing which answer is the right one.

Finding the answers seem to dase my thoughts, pulling my into cracks beneath the floors, into the deep end of things.  The common understanding of right and wrong no longer crunch my quest for the rightness I long to understand and therefore introduse into my life I have been living. What you think of your experience will not come into hand to heal your step into the next chapter, slower reading, the words are more complicated so slowly pronouncing is needed to find your way down the story line. Is seems I’ve bookmarked too many articles for my learning I have missed what has infront of me not yet recognizable but visibly see. the lettering is perfect, but the spelling is off. The spacing is cramped and space is all I need to be able to

Just another day

Just another day came to morning, and the night fell into circle. It is a slow wind flying away of the bricks lay across the dirt. It’s quite and I shall stare until I pierce the truth. My hairs are tangled, some dead and some cursed. There is no time for care. I sway my head left and right, feeling the confusion of empty seconds. I can hear the breathes of me, the long line ticking forth not waiting for my command to start again. I am in a state of nothing, stuck in a warp of vapor. Like a robot, I have become fixed. I defaulted into the fill and line.

I remove the load of heavy carbon, release back into nothing and the pattern continues. My human emotion is held, a hostage of the nothing. I wipe my forehead, and rub thinking I will wake from the nothing and realise I am here in this moment of now and I am happy. But it was not the case, I felt nothing. My eyes are bold, yet blank, staring into the wall, waiting for it to crash down on me, break the cycle. I look up and down, the same image comes before me, an earth green living the atoms of it’s line. And there again, I realeased again, an ion. The lights are dimming, communicating a flickr of thought. A thought dying down, struggling to breathe, suffocating, paining, dead. The room is a space of nothing, holding me, I am captured by nothing. I don’t speak, I don’t make a sound, I look, and with that I kill.

trapped

Trapped in the chambers of the who loves not to let go of the lost. Taken by the area of gods will to never come back. The thrown s have emptied and there is no life to live. The light’s have died down where there is no hope of coping with the present. A preempted question of mystery and enigma. No more do I tear; drop the pain of yester; near me was the death of my loved one.

I cannot live the day to the day and the night of night with out escaping to the pressure of finding the callings of my truths hidden by secrets, hung above me, in the skies and even the tree’s. You sometimes see the sway of the joking breeze hiting the hiding place of that secret. My eye’s smile, but not my expression. Keeping a tight lid on strebgth. A grim circle is sprinting in mind.

air

So it has dawnded on to me, life aint what it was cut out for me to be
nothing glamorious, just growin older,
too much pain over my shoulder
the days are lonley and the nights are colder.
I dream about my happy days I yern for them, I’m a figter, a trained soilder.

To keep the moral up, I have to be positive, happy and strong
I’m not sure about it, I look at my watch, I dont know how much I can’t this any long
It’s just easy to do whats right, but never easy to do right for whats wrong
I once heard this song, it made me cry…I wanted to spread my wings and fly
I wanted to go to a better place, maybe heaven, maybe near it…I’ll seatlle for anything
what ever god can bring, I can take it, I can stand the wind

My perfect 5 years later

Asked by a friend about “what my perfect day” would be like 5 years from now got me thinking. With first thought, the answer seems very simple. You can list everything you wish to go and cram it into you day, and call it a dream. No me, I thought about my perfect day. The more I thought the more confused I was.

It seems in life, there are two fractions in which we every so often have a hard time differentiating. For one, there is the thought of fantasy and hopeful bliss we sink into, smiling blatantly as we cultivate our 5 years later. Personally, I was wondering if my goals are being blurred by my fantasies of the “dream”, therefore creating a tug of war roaring amid reality and fiction. It has; in-fact brought me to doubt if my set goals, expectations and plans are just vivid dreams molded by an idealistic surrounding. I wonder if my “dreams” are those of true meaning, or just optimistic philosophy, taking me towards a long path ending with self destruction. I had created a list in my head for what I assume I want. Not sure if my assumptions are those of true meaning. A loving husband, a successful career and maybe a baby where on my top 5 list. But, when I came to my detailed account, I found it difficult to in fact mine into what I want in life. I think our surroundings of culture feed into out minds and somehow capture an image and create a dream we never thought. A happy family is a lie. We are all unhappy families living in hiding of our reality. There are always those who are hiding behind a secret, ashamed of the public. Underneath the ruble and broken hearts are clones of the same realities with different content and text. You are never alone. A fake commercial is never better than your real life. Life’s up’s and down’s are what make it bittersweet, it’s what makes us laugh and cry. Never turn your back on life, never.

As we pass through life, there is always someone out there who feels alone, ashamed, and broken. In contrast, there is another person out in the world, somewhere, someone out there praying and thinking of that other person. Do you understand? In this strange world, even when we are alone, we are together. The feelings we have sometimes consume us with overwhelming pain that overshadows the rational truth of who we are. I have had that moment. I rose above it with years of deep thought into the meaning of life, struggle love and pain. It’s never easy, because easy comes after hard. There is this deafening feeling of a sunken ship in your soul, you feel it take you down, you don’t have the strength to stand up. Did you ever feel that? It’s what we all go through in this so called life. I wish I never had that feeling. There is a side of me that thinks…I wish I was happy, I wish I was content. Then, I would comprehend my feelings, my right side would speak…I would never learn and never achieve, never grow and never feel… I would always be on a one level high. Through the journeys I’ve took I learned how to take in the pain and then release it. For a long time I felt like a wounded solider that will never come again to glory. Glory, I would learn in of inner self, not a medal badge. The Power to smile, to keep one foot in front of the other in what my perfect 5 years later would be like.

unhappi

It would be hard to walk away, it’s something I had to do even when I didn’t want to
I never forgot about you

Life threw me aside, stomped on me I don’t know why
This never seemed to get better, I think I should pray more, be more censer and clever.

I want to run from my pain and start again, start over, maybe then I’ll be happy, and I can recover
I know I always keep everything inside, build up, I’m just not yappy
I feel hurt, alone and frustrated, I feel scared, angry and just exasperated.

I sit here and wonder if this is all life has to offer. I made plans but they don’t seem to work.
Most of the time I dream or better days, other days I just feel like a jerk.

what can break you from the cycle and give you hope, fill you with dreams, love and passion, compassion, empathy, sympathy, glory and pride,  morals,values and conquer all you can stride.

I want to believe, I want to work. I don’t know what to do with all the bricks on my shoulder. All the baggage I’ve been carrying seems to hold me down. I’m not ready to forgive, No ready to forget, no ready to smile, not ready to laugh, no ready to take, and instead crack

There is so much I lack
I dont trust those around me I feel like they are all wack, full of jack. I always feel like I’m on the attack
Can someone appretiate me and present me with a plank

Philosophy

The Philosophy of Life

These are some of my thoughts on life, love, dreams, egos’s and so forth. I want to share my thoughts will you? Go ahead and read.

1. Life is a game. The winner of that game is the one who has the guts to make the biggest moves, and play the biggest players.
2. It is not important whether your dream is neither big nor small, it is of the most importance that you have a dream.
3. What does it mean to be great? Is it your philosophy? Your money? Your pride? Your wisdom? Your accomplishment? Who has the right to set the standard for greatness?
4. Greatness is the respect you hold for yourself inside and out. Is it your thought of your possibilities. Your hope and your desire make you a great one within.
5. What makes you great is the courage to stand alone with your believes. To look into your enemies eyes and tell the truth. To die with the reality you made your dreams come true.
6. Some people lie to tell you the truth, and some people lie to cover a lie.
7. Some people tell you the truth just to lie. And some people tell you the truth just to hurt you.
8. You get hurt to learn a lesson. You some times get hurt to be humbled.
9. Being honest is not to tell the truth, Honesty is only but the intention of telling the truth.
10. Loyalty is not an act of faith. It is the notion of following who you are in some else’s foot steps.
11. Forgiveness is not an act of grace, but courage of a warrior. It is not easy to forgive. Truly forgiving is erasing the past, it is the object of comforting the future.
12. Being alone is not lonely; being lonely is when you are with out a heart.
13. Your best friend is not a friend, but a part of your other half.
14. A story is not a story when it has a happy beginning, middle and end. A story is a story when is has a happy beginning, a sad middle, and an unknown end.
15. Don’t be offended is you hear your painful truth. Your truth was your past, is your present, and will be your future.
16. Wanting to be rich might not be the greed for money, but greed of power. Being rich might only be a feeling you where looking for, the money was just extra.
17. Fame you want is not the money you want; it’s the ego or your imagination you will get. It is the character or your character.
18. Being young is the biggest opportunity to lay a might on this world. To take advantage of this opportunity is the definition of success.

Whatdoudo

What do you do when your stuck in a time in your life were you can’t do anything, you are paralyzed, to bow to your present and accept it, while blissfully hoping for a better tomorrow, only underneath you are a sad lonely depressed raging fire, who hates the world? Its suicide to feel hopeless, but even worse is being hopeless and knowing it. Living in a place where you have no control over your own life, and know the person who does have no idea what they are doing. Only selfless little fucks who think they know it all, have the answer to all, but most importantly believe the world should evolve around them. They are freaks of their own; you have been victimized by life and find it upon them selves to pay-up the favor. They think they are right, while the rest of us don’t have a clue. It is self pity to think so highly of yourself only to find you a weak little abandoned kitten, eating shit out of a dump. You are a missing soul, no one wants you; you are evil, and dirty.

The funny, yet best thing about life is that everything turns around. What you do in life, good or bad, will always come back and bite you in the ass. I like that. I try to do good as much as I can, with an open heart. I am waiting for my turn in life where I can be happy and I can do what I want, and I can fulfill my dreams. The unknown is truly the biggest fear, and fear is the bigger fear. I want to be stronger and rise higher, and prove everyone wrong. I want to hail and shine, rise and float. It’s difficult when life seems so slow, yet fast, and before you know it. Your life is flashing before you. I wonder if my dreams will ever come true. I wonder if I will ever be happy. Most days, I try not to think of it. I am tired of being depressed, and it’s much easier being in denial. I want so much, I wonder if it’s just too good to be true. I know I am strong and smart. I know I am different, and shine through. I will make it. I don’t know if karma will be on my side with this one. I hope it will. I am ranting, and I don’t know where to go with this. I only know that I have dreams and I am waiting for them to come to the door. I don’t mind doing the work as long as I get what I want. Life is shitty sometimes, the little moment make it special. I never realized that until I grew up. The special moments are candid and warming. I wish I can live my life in life’s little moments and smile through the adversity.

I am women, and I like to believe I am strong. I guess god tests me. I hope I am passing. My head is not where it’s supposed to be. I can’t focus anymore, and I am more tense and nervous. I don’t like where I am. I don’t trust many people; I keep most things to my self. I know my dad will betray me, he has before and he always will. Even though I have a family I don’t believe I can rely on them, and feel alone in this world. They will not do me good. They are in their own worlds and think about themselves. Each of us will walk a different path, and end up far away. I know.

Evil Hero (part 1)

Part 1: Understanding the Devil

No, I’m not insane. Take your emotions out of the equation, think rationally, think with no heart.

Before I start writing, I looked up the definition of a hero, though many; the definition that feeds my goal can be summed as someone who fights for a cause. Not necessarily a good cause, a positive kind, genuine cause, but a cause nor good or bad.

A hero can be a person who fights for what they believe in, whither it is against your better belief. A hero can  be someone who achieves the impossible task of power. Power is corrupt, money is evil, power is corrupt. The struggle of any human to the top of the hierarchy is a heroic act of it’s won. Why? Because they have faced the demons of life, or reality, or metal emotion, or society. They scrapped the crap off toilets, and had their faces scraped with crap. They lived in poverty, they walked barefoot. Despite all evils of life they swerved, took a U turn into power. Not beautifying their actions, but admiring the wit of evil to commit anything.

They gambled with souls, they puzzled innocence. There was no force of evil more evil, ever inhabiting the earth other than Adolf Hitler. Before we get into analysis of the character of a monster, let’s state some facts that do quality as odd defying odds categorized as an accomplishment. Each evil hero came pushed though the odds of:

1. Dysfunctional family (abandoned by father/mother), abusive step-parent.
2. Abused, tarnished mother.
3. Poor and/or Poverty stricken.
4. Educational disputes (leave school, bullied, etc), rejected from Educational institute.
5. Homeless, struggling in early adult life.

Through my struggle to understand the human fate I realize that the evil are the most passionate and emotional struggling with their own emotions coming with the pain of the past and justifying a place in the present and future proving their capabilities to those who doubted and laughed.

The question of why.

Why does greatness die young, evil dies old.

Why does good hurt, and bad laugh.

Why do dreamers want it all, yet get nothing. Slacker get everything, yet wanting nothing.

Why does love leave when love is a peak of selfless passion.

Why does family hate you when you love them most.

Why are you abandoned at the door when your bleeding?

There are many more questions cruising through memories of a history book lost in the dust of time.

Why do the tear drops of the green eyes go unnoticed by the wavers of the hazel cold lover, gone with the wind of eternity. Never to come back, her eyes froze in time, soul released from ceasur.  Telling the tale of dripping ache.

N.A.