Beethovens Love Story

Love is a losing game. Love is pain.

BookMark

It would be nice if life was like a logarithmic equation, with every turn of thought you find a way to find an answer and in that you will never get lost because everything will eventually equal. Finding the answers it always hard, but whats more harder is knowing which answer is the right one.

Finding the answers seem to dase my thoughts, pulling my into cracks beneath the floors, into the deep end of things.  The common understanding of right and wrong no longer crunch my quest for the rightness I long to understand and therefore introduse into my life I have been living. What you think of your experience will not come into hand to heal your step into the next chapter, slower reading, the words are more complicated so slowly pronouncing is needed to find your way down the story line. Is seems I’ve bookmarked too many articles for my learning I have missed what has infront of me not yet recognizable but visibly see. the lettering is perfect, but the spelling is off. The spacing is cramped and space is all I need to be able to

short lived.

You left me, you walked away, I wish you never came

You broke my heart, you shred it apart, you went to those other people

do they know your name, did they struggle with you laugh with you, did they know your sane

watch my tear fall like hail and rain

out of this I lost and you got all the gain

I hate to feel anguish, sorrow and pain

These past years you’ve become, cold, far and vane

I’m a leave, swerve in and out the lane

Die with no pain

Heart with no love, eyes’ so cold, soul quiet , room silent, anger so violent

Kick the wall in ,vent, I wrote this letter but never sent

My life has become empty and worthless, just plain

To you I shift all the blame

I wish everything was nice and happy I wish it was the same

I forgot what you look like, how about you do you even remember my name?

Space of Error

Searing with confusion. A lush of feelings are veining my hands as I try to grasp my head with a toggle. Whisk backwards and close my eyes coping with the pressure of love. Is it love or the debut I have been subconsciously waiting for. When you are young, the process of learning and the learning process are two different things too big to comprehend yet too obvious to ignore. The miscalculated routes of unexpected situations leave you to the wolves to tackle the prize of the day…

lone.

Your never familiar with a feeling until you feel it, digging into you with a sharp axe. Blistering your arteries, and puncturing your organs. The feeling of loneliness, not the one where you feel alone, but the one you feel hopeless of being alone, unloved and paining away though the scraps of life trying to mend yourself to enable your survival of the dry heat of it all. An over whelming feeling of sorrow, of blank stare. you feel no need, no reason you get up, to talk to think to walk or to love only because love is the pain stabbing effect of emotion.

You can’t escape, you’re like a excaged hostage, willing though your boned body unable to adapt, unable to nurtion the leftovers of your self. It’s a sad image to see, a more sad piece to hear gingling in your ear like a rining ciren warning you of the black undershadow of it. Your hands, legs num too much to move, not strong enough to find the will to survive. I am a soul on the earth, alone and cold. They ran out of cotten warmth, no more, no more.

Whatdoudo

What do you do when your stuck in a time in your life were you can’t do anything, you are paralyzed, to bow to your present and accept it, while blissfully hoping for a better tomorrow, only underneath you are a sad lonely depressed raging fire, who hates the world? Its suicide to feel hopeless, but even worse is being hopeless and knowing it. Living in a place where you have no control over your own life, and know the person who does have no idea what they are doing. Only selfless little fucks who think they know it all, have the answer to all, but most importantly believe the world should evolve around them. They are freaks of their own; you have been victimized by life and find it upon them selves to pay-up the favor. They think they are right, while the rest of us don’t have a clue. It is self pity to think so highly of yourself only to find you a weak little abandoned kitten, eating shit out of a dump. You are a missing soul, no one wants you; you are evil, and dirty.

The funny, yet best thing about life is that everything turns around. What you do in life, good or bad, will always come back and bite you in the ass. I like that. I try to do good as much as I can, with an open heart. I am waiting for my turn in life where I can be happy and I can do what I want, and I can fulfill my dreams. The unknown is truly the biggest fear, and fear is the bigger fear. I want to be stronger and rise higher, and prove everyone wrong. I want to hail and shine, rise and float. It’s difficult when life seems so slow, yet fast, and before you know it. Your life is flashing before you. I wonder if my dreams will ever come true. I wonder if I will ever be happy. Most days, I try not to think of it. I am tired of being depressed, and it’s much easier being in denial. I want so much, I wonder if it’s just too good to be true. I know I am strong and smart. I know I am different, and shine through. I will make it. I don’t know if karma will be on my side with this one. I hope it will. I am ranting, and I don’t know where to go with this. I only know that I have dreams and I am waiting for them to come to the door. I don’t mind doing the work as long as I get what I want. Life is shitty sometimes, the little moment make it special. I never realized that until I grew up. The special moments are candid and warming. I wish I can live my life in life’s little moments and smile through the adversity.

I am women, and I like to believe I am strong. I guess god tests me. I hope I am passing. My head is not where it’s supposed to be. I can’t focus anymore, and I am more tense and nervous. I don’t like where I am. I don’t trust many people; I keep most things to my self. I know my dad will betray me, he has before and he always will. Even though I have a family I don’t believe I can rely on them, and feel alone in this world. They will not do me good. They are in their own worlds and think about themselves. Each of us will walk a different path, and end up far away. I know.

Shadow

The shadow of my eyes holds the dealings of wake less nights where I slept no more. The memories of pain settled upon my shadows as they escaped the cells of my memory and the skin of my forehead to speak under the shadow lurking as a subtle reminder of kin. What have I done to mend no heart and to speak no laughter? I am the child of god, bear into the harsh realities of reality. My shadows have beautifully flourished the tire of my intellect thought. I gasp to cover the found shadows of the face of the eye of what is me. I agree to adopt the shadows will; only to own my deals I have made in this so called life. This shadow was before a haunting creature of no features, no face, no feeling, and no soul. A blank circle around and around it went. It followed the unwilling to steal the daylight upon an invite to the night. It was friendly with the night; it stayed active and alive circling me like a cloud of grey rain.

Earth Soul

A need for affection my heart is shallow, melted dripping the earth soiling the rock mountain of the shadows. A lace of freedom will need to fly the waters of heaven and the skies of seven. The layers of valves circled my body in an attempt to save the broken heart. The shell will break and pieces of the; will travel the earth to find perfection that is impossible. The possibility of chance is thrown out deep into the forest of my mind, tracing the traces of hope. Back into time we go and far too far for the eye can reach we travel, no our feet but our souls left briefly to find what we looked for, but never found. To ask a question that was forbidden still tickles my curiosity though making the lords angry with mercy of petty non sense. You are my child naive and clever they spoke one voice from the corners of the heavens carried by angels to my drums. I split a curve on my facade knowing the love was there for me to unearth.

Lord Tell

Shameless justice creeps past me. Enemied by the justice of our land. For there was no justice beneath me, only the shadows of the unjust rules of kings and commands of the commander under his souls of feet. I lay under the sun of the lords which shine the spy on me.
I see the blood of the child seeping through transparently, leaking into the solid rocks to the beds of oceans and rivers of Egypt. The sands of the desert came waling past, running from the truth of the current present they do not want. The want of peace has dies last day to remember, a vigil, a cry and even a tear was down dried by the sun again, spy no tear will fall on the solids and come near the hairs of innocent fallen. We will forget, as commanded and live with no hearts and no souls, no yeses and no no’s no mind and no thought will ever come across again.
The Arabs have arrived with gold, come to gift the knights of New England and prey upon us as we set to tell them their truth and lead them to follow me. Close your eyes and never awaken to your past truths god has given you, taught you the truth which you have forgotten.

I am a lost, Look for me, please. I am alone, I walk the side; no one at glance. The sadness has reaped me. I am broken, I weep the rain. Swallow before you jump…